1) McLaughlin vs. 8)
Gilligan
After making sure the crowd they begged to attend isn’t
showing too much school spirit, these two athletic directors begin fighting.
McLaughlin catches Gilligan off guard and manages to tackle him to the ground. The
brevity of the attack knocks the wind out of Gilligan, and provides the perfect
opportunity for McLaughlin to advance. But McLaughlin is bound to the
promethean curse of his CPR training and he decides, instead, to resuscitate
the breathless English teacher. McLaughlin’s mouth to mouth is a success and
Gilligan rises to his feet. “Why must we fight Kevin?” McLaughlin asks, “is it
not the double edged sword of human existence that we must fight to survive but
also fight one another in matters most arbitrary.” McLaughlin prepares to
deliver his final stanza but Gilligan demolishes him with a sucker punch. “Only
I can recite pretentious poetry” says the victor, somewhere in the distance T.S
Eliot sheds a tear.
Gilligan advances.
2) Pedro vs. 10)
Corcoran
Pedro advances.
3) Kravatz vs. 11)
Calamari
5:45 AM, the history office. Mr. Calamari has been sitting
at his desk for two hours with excitement trumped only by the release of Jared
Diamond’s latest book, Who Moved My
Cheese? Calamari has, of course, showed up to work ten minutes early in
order to read the Fordham Prep Death Bracket. Calamari opens the bracket and
reads his fight, he is filled with deep searing rage. “CALIMARI?! HE SPELLED MY
NAME CALIMARI?!” Calamari did not train his entire life in order to get
disrespected in what is essentially poorly written fan fiction. The rage
continues to burn inside Calamari and it spills over into his next fight. He
shows up to fight with Kravatz ready to kill. The fight starts and both
fighters move towards one another, but just as they are ready to attack, they
begin to hear a strange rumble. Out of nowhere, bursts Mr. DiGiornio riding on
a chariot and covered in chain mail armor. “What are you doing here”, asks a
nervous Kravatz. “I came here to kick ass and record Fordham Prep history. And
I’m actually pretty behind on my paperwork as school historian so I’m just
going to kick ass.” As both combatants take in DiGiornio’s longwinded response,
DiGiornio pulls out a mace and begins swinging like a madman. He uppercuts
Kravatz with the mace and begins moving towards Calamari. But while DiGiornio
is cocky, Calamari is also cocky. DiGiornio’s horses are knocked over by one of
Calamari’s traps, and DiGiornio is knocked on the ground. Calamari charges
towards DiGiornio, ready to tear him to pieces. In a final act of desperation,
DiGiornio pulls out a slingshot and launches a stone. The stone hits it’s mark
and Calamari is incapacitated.
DiGiornio advances.
4) Deane vs. 5)
Tartaglia
As the opening bell rings, Deane begins to talk smack at his
opponent. “I’m going to make you irrelevant. Like how I make harmful portrayals
of “stereotypical New Yorkers” irrelevant. Deane then charges at Tartaglia, who
attempts to sidestep him. Instead the two lock knees and send one another
falling to the floor. “Hey I’m walking here” Deane says, “What, you think you’re
better than me?” Deane then pummels Tartaglia before heading home to eat some
gabagool with his mother.
Deane advances
GROUP B: KING OF THE NERDS
1) Hemsley vs. 8)
Distinti
Hemsley and Distinti throw down immediately. After
distracting Distinti with an improper translation of The Aeneid, Hemsley tosses Distinti threw the retractable walls on
the second floor that may as well be paper- mâché. Sitting behind the wall
is Mr. Beck who has been covertly running a gambling ring on the tournament.
“Be a cool guy and keep this between us” Beck says before dropping a gold bar
in Hemsley’s front pocket.
Hemsley advances.
2) Magner vs. 7)
Viele
Using his prior experience as a wrestling coach, Magner
attempts to pull off a move that the CHSAA Wrestling Committee ruled “totally
badass”: the human pretzel. Magner takes Viele to the ground and begins walking
himself through the maneuver. “Hmm, magner magner magner… magner magner.”
Magner finally manages to complete the move, leaving Viele left stuck in a
strange contortion. Using the remaining breath within his body, Viele asks one
final question; “Why did you do this?” Magner chuckles to himself, looks down
at his defeated adversary, and states “My name is actually Jeff.” Viele pauses,
“That isn’t really an answer. In fact it kind of brings up more questions. Why
do you only say Magner? That just seems like lazy writing. Also, are you the
same Jeff who grafittied the faculty bathroom last year?” But none of his
questions are answered.
Magner advances.
“How could this happen again?” Pettus thinks to himself. He
looks over to the photo of One Direction when they were all together but it
brings him no solace. “Why Zayn? Why?” Pettus shouts to the heavens. Pettus should have been used to it by now,
after all, he had been placed in a catatonic lull when N-Sync broke up. But,
for whatever reason, this wound seemed to be remarkably fresh. It was now clear
to Mr. Pettus that he would be fighting tears as well as Mr. Verlezza.
Verlezza starts the fight by beating Pettus like the Vikings
didn’t beat anybody this past season. Verlezza strikes Pettus with pinpoint
precision, using his expertise on angles to thoroughly hurt Pettus in
everywhere but one place: Pettus’s already broken heart. Verlezza is about to
knock Pettus out of the tournament when suddenly, Pettus sees a light in the
distance. A crystalizing light sweeps over Pettus when he sees the man before
him. “Oh my god, it’s you. The ghost of Lance Bass.” Bass nods, “Win this for
me, the greatest musician since Doc Carney.” Reinvigorated by new found
passion, Pettus emerges to his feet and begins trading strikes with Verlezza.
The two tire each other out, and Verlezza musters up all the strength left
within his frame and throws a superman punch towards. “May the gods of the
quadratic formula strike you down” he shouts, to no one in particular. However,
Pettus counters and tries to deliver the biggest knockout since One Direction’s
last album. Both strikes connect and both fall to the floor, the dust settles.
No one in the crowd knows who claimed victory, but finally one stands.
Pettus advances.
4) Gelpi vs. 12)
Dwyer
Gelpi is taping up his hands in the middle of the arena when
a wild Dwyer appears from the catacombs of the coliseum. Dwyer is disoriented,
wearing only a pair of underwear, and he is covered in mud and blood. Dwyer
takes a knee in front of his opponent and begins to plead, begging for Gelpi to
bring him “the sweet release of death,” as he could no longer handle the
monster he had become. Gelpi smiles. “No.” Dwyer begins to walk away defeated
before Gelpi jumps back in front of him. “I’m sorry, I was just. Breaking your
balls.” “Really, now is the time for jokes? I beg for death, and you decide to
become Rodney Dangerfield. I mean, seriously. Jesus, where’s your first comedy
gig, a mass burial?” “Oh yeah, you’re probably right,” Gelpi says, and slowly
crosses “perform standup at cemetery” off his calendar. Gelpi sighs “Well, time
to kill you… because I get no respect. Please stop me.”
Gelpi advances.
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