FP Death Bracket (Round Two)

GROUP A: GOD OF THE GEEKS

1) McLaughlin vs. 8) Gilligan

After making sure the crowd they begged to attend isn’t showing too much school spirit, these two athletic directors begin fighting. McLaughlin catches Gilligan off guard and manages to tackle him to the ground. The brevity of the attack knocks the wind out of Gilligan, and provides the perfect opportunity for McLaughlin to advance. But McLaughlin is bound to the promethean curse of his CPR training and he decides, instead, to resuscitate the breathless English teacher. McLaughlin’s mouth to mouth is a success and Gilligan rises to his feet. “Why must we fight Kevin?” McLaughlin asks, “is it not the double edged sword of human existence that we must fight to survive but also fight one another in matters most arbitrary.” McLaughlin prepares to deliver his final stanza but Gilligan demolishes him with a sucker punch. “Only I can recite pretentious poetry” says the victor, somewhere in the distance T.S Eliot sheds a tear.

Gilligan advances. 

2) Pedro vs. 10) Corcoran

Pedro advances. 

3) Kravatz vs. 11) Calamari

5:45 AM, the history office. Mr. Calamari has been sitting at his desk for two hours with excitement trumped only by the release of Jared Diamond’s latest book, Who Moved My Cheese? Calamari has, of course, showed up to work ten minutes early in order to read the Fordham Prep Death Bracket. Calamari opens the bracket and reads his fight, he is filled with deep searing rage. “CALIMARI?! HE SPELLED MY NAME CALIMARI?!” Calamari did not train his entire life in order to get disrespected in what is essentially poorly written fan fiction. The rage continues to burn inside Calamari and it spills over into his next fight. He shows up to fight with Kravatz ready to kill. The fight starts and both fighters move towards one another, but just as they are ready to attack, they begin to hear a strange rumble. Out of nowhere, bursts Mr. DiGiornio riding on a chariot and covered in chain mail armor. “What are you doing here”, asks a nervous Kravatz. “I came here to kick ass and record Fordham Prep history. And I’m actually pretty behind on my paperwork as school historian so I’m just going to kick ass.” As both combatants take in DiGiornio’s longwinded response, DiGiornio pulls out a mace and begins swinging like a madman. He uppercuts Kravatz with the mace and begins moving towards Calamari. But while DiGiornio is cocky, Calamari is also cocky. DiGiornio’s horses are knocked over by one of Calamari’s traps, and DiGiornio is knocked on the ground. Calamari charges towards DiGiornio, ready to tear him to pieces. In a final act of desperation, DiGiornio pulls out a slingshot and launches a stone. The stone hits it’s mark and Calamari is incapacitated.

DiGiornio advances. 

4) Deane vs. 5) Tartaglia

As the opening bell rings, Deane begins to talk smack at his opponent. “I’m going to make you irrelevant. Like how I make harmful portrayals of “stereotypical New Yorkers” irrelevant. Deane then charges at Tartaglia, who attempts to sidestep him. Instead the two lock knees and send one another falling to the floor. “Hey I’m walking here” Deane says, “What, you think you’re better than me?” Deane then pummels Tartaglia before heading home to eat some gabagool with his mother.

Deane advances

GROUP B: KING OF THE NERDS

1) Hemsley vs. 8) Distinti

Hemsley and Distinti throw down immediately. After distracting Distinti with an improper translation of The Aeneid, Hemsley tosses Distinti threw the retractable walls on the second floor that may as well be paper- mâché. Sitting behind the wall is Mr. Beck who has been covertly running a gambling ring on the tournament. “Be a cool guy and keep this between us” Beck says before dropping a gold bar in Hemsley’s front pocket.

Hemsley advances. 

2) Magner vs. 7) Viele

Using his prior experience as a wrestling coach, Magner attempts to pull off a move that the CHSAA Wrestling Committee ruled “totally badass”: the human pretzel. Magner takes Viele to the ground and begins walking himself through the maneuver. “Hmm, magner magner magner… magner magner.” Magner finally manages to complete the move, leaving Viele left stuck in a strange contortion. Using the remaining breath within his body, Viele asks one final question; “Why did you do this?” Magner chuckles to himself, looks down at his defeated adversary, and states “My name is actually Jeff.” Viele pauses, “That isn’t really an answer. In fact it kind of brings up more questions. Why do you only say Magner? That just seems like lazy writing. Also, are you the same Jeff who grafittied the faculty bathroom last year?” But none of his questions are answered.

Magner advances. 

 3) Pettus vs. 6) Verlezza

“How could this happen again?” Pettus thinks to himself. He looks over to the photo of One Direction when they were all together but it brings him no solace. “Why Zayn? Why?” Pettus shouts to the heavens.  Pettus should have been used to it by now, after all, he had been placed in a catatonic lull when N-Sync broke up. But, for whatever reason, this wound seemed to be remarkably fresh. It was now clear to Mr. Pettus that he would be fighting tears as well as Mr. Verlezza.

Verlezza starts the fight by beating Pettus like the Vikings didn’t beat anybody this past season. Verlezza strikes Pettus with pinpoint precision, using his expertise on angles to thoroughly hurt Pettus in everywhere but one place: Pettus’s already broken heart. Verlezza is about to knock Pettus out of the tournament when suddenly, Pettus sees a light in the distance. A crystalizing light sweeps over Pettus when he sees the man before him. “Oh my god, it’s you. The ghost of Lance Bass.” Bass nods, “Win this for me, the greatest musician since Doc Carney.” Reinvigorated by new found passion, Pettus emerges to his feet and begins trading strikes with Verlezza. The two tire each other out, and Verlezza musters up all the strength left within his frame and throws a superman punch towards. “May the gods of the quadratic formula strike you down” he shouts, to no one in particular. However, Pettus counters and tries to deliver the biggest knockout since One Direction’s last album. Both strikes connect and both fall to the floor, the dust settles. No one in the crowd knows who claimed victory, but finally one stands.

Pettus advances. 

4) Gelpi vs. 12) Dwyer

Gelpi is taping up his hands in the middle of the arena when a wild Dwyer appears from the catacombs of the coliseum. Dwyer is disoriented, wearing only a pair of underwear, and he is covered in mud and blood. Dwyer takes a knee in front of his opponent and begins to plead, begging for Gelpi to bring him “the sweet release of death,” as he could no longer handle the monster he had become. Gelpi smiles. “No.” Dwyer begins to walk away defeated before Gelpi jumps back in front of him. “I’m sorry, I was just. Breaking your balls.” “Really, now is the time for jokes? I beg for death, and you decide to become Rodney Dangerfield. I mean, seriously. Jesus, where’s your first comedy gig, a mass burial?” “Oh yeah, you’re probably right,” Gelpi says, and slowly crosses “perform standup at cemetery” off his calendar. Gelpi sighs “Well, time to kill you… because I get no respect. Please stop me.”

Gelpi advances.

FP Death Bracket (Round One)

The 2015 Fordham Prep Teacher Combat Competition

March is the best time of the year for so many reasons, but none are as important as March Madness. The NCAA Tournament is the best sporting event of every year, bringing upsets, competitions, and that one jerk who guesses and still has a better bracket than you. With that in mind, why not stage a, entirely fictional, hunger games of Fordham Prep faculty. Because bloodshed and basketball equate perfectly.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1)      Because I am a chauvinist pig, female faculty are excluded from this bracket. Also because I am only willing to do so much work.

2)      This is not so much a hunger games as a massive tournament of Game of Thrones trials by combat (exchanging one reference for another is good writing). Hand to hand combat, two people.

3)      Certain faculty are excluded, these groups are made up of the “conscientious objectors”, the “technically faculty but I don’t know enough about them to put them in a death bracket”, and the “I would feel bad killing them”. I will not share who makes up each group, so that you wonder forever.

4)      This is entirely satirical. For other fine examples of satire, read Mein Kampf or The Fordham Prep Student Handbook: Where Everything Is Made Up and the Points Don’t Matter.

Without further ado, here is the Fordham Prep Teacher Ultimate Death Bracket Tournament of Faculty Synergy.

GROUP A: GOD OF THE GEEKS

1) McLaughlin vs. 16) Difatostefano

The number one seed, Bobby Glocks, takes on the gross amalgamation of Mr. Difato and Mr. Distefano. They never should have conducted that experimental chemistry lab. The accident gives the two impressive power, but also leaves them bickering about which element is the worst. Ulitmately, the blight against god is unable to muster the power necessary to avoid the brutal uppercuts of the Prep’s second best gym teacher.

Bobby McLaughlin advances.

2) Pedro vs. 15) Bozzone

Mr. Bozzone is underestimated going into the tournament against one of the favorites in Mr. Pedro, but he proves to be a fearsome test. Bozzone obviously picked up a lot during his youth in the Bronx and he battles with Pedro, using broken bottles and pool cues in attempt to slow Pedro. Eventually, the Pedro juggernaut is too much for a fatigued Bozzone to handle. Pedro gets it to the ground where he finishes with some lethal strikes.

Randall Pedro advances.

3) Kravatz vs. (14 Piggot

Two of the biggest basketball guys at the prep face off in the first round here. Piggot understands the fundamentals of fighting and he tries to march inside against Kravatz but is unable to do so. Kravatz tires down Piggot with jabs from the outside before delivering a pun so bad that it fries Piggot’s cerebral cortex.

Michael Kravatz advances.

4) Deane vs. 13) Homer

Homer does not want to fight but that doesn’t stop him… from getting mercilessly beaten by Mr. Deane. Deane uses some bar fighting techniques to kick the living shit out of a guy who really didn’t deserve it. Deane looks over Homer, or what is left of him, and spits in his face telling him “ he better not come back around these parts”.

Pat Deane advances.

5) Tartaglia vs. 12) Bobo

Although he could have been a formidable competitor, Bobo could really care less about this fight. Demonstrating his mix of contempt and laziness by showing up to the fight in a lawn chair. Tartaglia agrees to an under the table deal, letting Bobo survive and advancing into the next round while still remaining jolly.

Anthony Tartaglia advances.

6) Ritter vs. (11 Calimari

Ritter attempts to be his aloof self but he picks the wrong opponent to attempt to be cool against. Geno Calimari does not care about being cool. When the bracket released, Calimari swelled with rage. How could he be ranked eleventh? He did not leave Calimari, Italy and all the hot babes there to be a fucking eleven seed. Calimari sets Ritter on the run and hunts him down. Calimari slashes at Ritter uncontrollably before eating him alive. Rongo, Rongo, Baby.

Eugene Calimari advances.

7) Mercorella vs. (10 Corcoran

Merc has spent the weeks leading up to the bracket making sure he is in perfect health before his fight to the death. His knee is in the best shape ever and Merc is ready to kill, however as soon as he steps into the arena he tears several ligaments. Merc expects mercy from his opponent but he remembers who that he is facing a stone cold killer. Corcoran arrives with a flamethrower and cremates Merc where he stands before returning to his shack in a remote fishing village.

Michael Corcoran advances.

8) Gilligan vs. (9 Paul Lauber

Lauber attempts to use his superior reach but he cannot best the full bodied force of Gilligan. Gilligan swing a golf club wildly and connects with Lauber’s temple sending him to the floor. He then busts his balls about wearing sneakers for the next ten minutes. Lauber kills himself.

Kevin Gilligan advances. 

GROUP B: KING OF THE NERDS

1) Hemsley vs. 16) Traendly

Things go very bad for Traendly, very quickly. Hemsley charges inside in Traendly like he would charge at lacrosse goalies, and he quickly knocks the helpless teacher to the ground. Traendly tries standing up, and mustering whatever juvenile strength laid within his body in order to take out Hemsley. But it is no use, Hemsley takes him down and begins looking for the finishing move Traendly’s scarf around his neck and squeezes. Traendly kicks feebly but gives in, and realizes the one thing on earth he has to preserve.  “Take care of my baby” Traendly says, before he drops his car keys on the ground.

Chris Hemsley advances.

(2 Magner vs. (15 Febles

Febles has spent the weeks leading up to his duel hoping that track and field does, in fact, make you better, faster, and stronger. But Febles is badly shaken up by the eloquent words of his opponent. “MAGNER, MAGNER MAGNER. MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER.” “Don’t you dare bring Abraham Lincoln into this” Febles responded, but as he fought on behalf of our sixteenth president, Magner him. Magner takes down Febles and repeatedly does so whenever Febles attempt to stand up. Febles throws himself up but finds himself caught in a Magner slam, he is knocked unconscious. “MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER MAGNER”, he was right, it truly was too late for Febles to join Freshman Track and Field.

Magner advances.

3) Pettus vs. (14 Curran

A dark arena. Thousands of voices all hushed in anticipation. A spotlight emerges and out walks Steve Pettus, the man they have all been waiting for. Pettus walks out to the middle of the arena, he squares up with Curran and tears off his boxing robe, proudly revealing the Jonas Brother’s T-Shirt he is wearing underneath. The fight begins, the two dance around each other. Pettus throws some light jabs, looking to use his reach in order to gain victory. Curran knows he is the weaker fighter, and he knows that the only way to gain victory is to get under Pettus’s head, thus, he begins to trash talk. A few petty insults about Pettus’s eyebrows and clothing, and then the big one. “You’re going to die harder than the solo career of Kevin Jonas.” Pettus’s eyes go black. Before this was just a fight, but now, this is personal. Pettus charges ahead, ignoring any of the weak strikes Curran can throw. Pettus hoists Curran above his head, and brings Curran down on his knee. Curran can no longer walk, and he crawls during what little time he has left. Pettus looks down on him, and starts giggling. “I’m sorry, but I was burning up to do that.”

Pettus advances.

4) Gelpi vs. (13 Nolan

Mr. Nolan arrives to the fight wearing his navy regalia, expecting a true “gentleman’s quarrel”. Nolan begins throwing strikes at Gelpi, but Gelpi breaks ship protocol and catches Nolan’s fist. Gelpi thinks back to his time in the roughest part of Siena housing and he pulls a move out from the back of his mind: The Puerto Rican Nutcracker. Nolan slinks to the ground, he has not experienced incredible physical torment but even so, his soul leaves his body. Gelpi, realizing the cost of his survival, pours some out for his fallen homies.

Gelpi advances.

5) Mazullo vs. (12 Dwyer

As these two persona non gratas get ready to fight, Mazullo begins assessing his opponent with terminator like precision. As Dwyer begins ranting on how this whole thing is entirely fictional bullshit that only exists in the mind of a teenager. Mazz throws the first punch and when his bony fist makes contact with Dwyer, everything comes back to him. All the times he’s been stepped on, all the classes that cheated on his tests, all the times he’s had to deal with Mrs. Andrews’s acute schizophrenia. And He. Goes. Off. A fire lights in his eye, and he begins screaming like a mad man as he takes Mazullo to the ground and begins bashing Mazullo’s head like a goddamn cave man. As his impotent rage begins to ware off, he stares at his brain covered hands and the bloody viscous of what used to be Mazull’s head. He begins to weep uncontrollably, screaming “WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” But still, a win is a win.

Dwyer advances.

6) Verlezza vs. (11 Groepler

Listen, I’ve got nothing for this shit.

Verlezza advances.

7) Viele vs. (10 Jennings

Viele advances.

8) Baker vs. 9) Distinti

Two of the scrappiest guys in the tournament face off and get to it immediately. Distinti dips and dives like the Latin warriors of yore, and Baker kicks out his legs like the Latin dancers of now. Baker and Distinti are evenly matched but Baker’s crippling nicotine addiction catches up to him. Eventually, Baker resorts to throwing his belly first forward at Distinti’s head but that is unable to stop Distinti who darts ahead and manages to finish Baker with a guillotine choke.

Distinti advances.